All my life I have had people telling me what to do. When you're a child, this is necessary, as you don't know any better. Those are indeed the formative years. But as you get older, and start thinking for yourself, you really should listen to your own heart more.
From the time I was in school, there were always instructions. I still remember trying to fathom A-Maths; it was mind-boggling. I used to stand outside the class a lot for forgetting to do the homework. The frikkin textbook was as thick as a phonebook; how could the teacher believe that??? (Then again, she had as much personality as the book) Years later, at Taylor's College, it became easier to understand; I was even teaching a couple of people for a bit! (64% baby!) The subject was still the same, just how I approached it was different. All I needed to do was apply the formula. Don't even try to understand why. Just how. But that's a quantitative subject. Your life is qualitative, to a much greater deal. For some anyway.
All of this listening to people left me with no view of my own, and worse, no game plan of my own. Right until up to a few years ago, I was still "taking instructions". Just do what I tell you, everything will be fine. Right. Go to school. (Do I have to?) Pass your exams. (I'll try) Take this course. (Really?) Get the degree and I know what to do for you. (Ok) I was living on autopilot, with no real idea as to where I would end up, or in what condition.
Things happened after I was done with school. They didn't change. They just got much clearer. Getting older and having to think for myself in university was a decisive factor in going away to study. When you're really paying attention, it's amazing how much information you can process. So I discovered a few horrendously ugly truths. By then I was already in the thick of things work-wise. The fact that it would upset my own life was a constant factor. Even now. But I'm trying to live with it. It really is true; you can't choose your family.
So no more listening to the people who say they know best. The respect is gone. So is the trust. At the end of the day, now, I have to make up my own mind. It was a harsh reality to wake up to, making my own decisions on certain things, but at least I feel connected to my life more.
So now I have no Commanding Officer. But at least every day is an opportunity to think for myself. Even when you do that, cynicism and pessimism can set in; that's why you need to talk to friends. Feedback and other viewpoints are important.
I still can't change where I am , but at least I'm awake now. Thinking and acting for yourself isn't easy, but like the cliche, it's part of growing up. It really is scary that it takes something bad to happen, to make you jolt out of your state of ignorance. That's what happened, and now dealing with life has a whole deeper meaning. Though for some peering in, they think I have a bed of roses to tend to. They are mistaken.
In hindsight, having my life being dictated to me without discussion was detrimental to (my) greater good. In the long run, you need to know when and how to make a decision. There will always be consequences, but it's much better if you don't allow the fear of it all to get in your way. And once you do, you feel empowered and even a little happy that you were brave enough to take control of your own life. And for some, living with their own mistakes is easier than blaming others.
Whatever life has got in store for me, I just hope I can find the strength and courage to deal with it the best I can. I have to start now. Even listening to your heart takes some effort. You need to listen for it.
From the time I was in school, there were always instructions. I still remember trying to fathom A-Maths; it was mind-boggling. I used to stand outside the class a lot for forgetting to do the homework. The frikkin textbook was as thick as a phonebook; how could the teacher believe that??? (Then again, she had as much personality as the book) Years later, at Taylor's College, it became easier to understand; I was even teaching a couple of people for a bit! (64% baby!) The subject was still the same, just how I approached it was different. All I needed to do was apply the formula. Don't even try to understand why. Just how. But that's a quantitative subject. Your life is qualitative, to a much greater deal. For some anyway.
All of this listening to people left me with no view of my own, and worse, no game plan of my own. Right until up to a few years ago, I was still "taking instructions". Just do what I tell you, everything will be fine. Right. Go to school. (Do I have to?) Pass your exams. (I'll try) Take this course. (Really?) Get the degree and I know what to do for you. (Ok) I was living on autopilot, with no real idea as to where I would end up, or in what condition.
Things happened after I was done with school. They didn't change. They just got much clearer. Getting older and having to think for myself in university was a decisive factor in going away to study. When you're really paying attention, it's amazing how much information you can process. So I discovered a few horrendously ugly truths. By then I was already in the thick of things work-wise. The fact that it would upset my own life was a constant factor. Even now. But I'm trying to live with it. It really is true; you can't choose your family.
So no more listening to the people who say they know best. The respect is gone. So is the trust. At the end of the day, now, I have to make up my own mind. It was a harsh reality to wake up to, making my own decisions on certain things, but at least I feel connected to my life more.
So now I have no Commanding Officer. But at least every day is an opportunity to think for myself. Even when you do that, cynicism and pessimism can set in; that's why you need to talk to friends. Feedback and other viewpoints are important.
I still can't change where I am , but at least I'm awake now. Thinking and acting for yourself isn't easy, but like the cliche, it's part of growing up. It really is scary that it takes something bad to happen, to make you jolt out of your state of ignorance. That's what happened, and now dealing with life has a whole deeper meaning. Though for some peering in, they think I have a bed of roses to tend to. They are mistaken.
In hindsight, having my life being dictated to me without discussion was detrimental to (my) greater good. In the long run, you need to know when and how to make a decision. There will always be consequences, but it's much better if you don't allow the fear of it all to get in your way. And once you do, you feel empowered and even a little happy that you were brave enough to take control of your own life. And for some, living with their own mistakes is easier than blaming others.
Whatever life has got in store for me, I just hope I can find the strength and courage to deal with it the best I can. I have to start now. Even listening to your heart takes some effort. You need to listen for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment